Stay cool and burn yourself

He finds a good excuse for my over and over again postponing, perfectionism. Yet I know that is not the truth. The truth is a counterpart of a polished diamond. It has facets, reflecting different stories when looked at different angles. Everyone would have an own interpretation and everyone believes it to be the truth. I, sitting at the center of such an artificial stone, should be the only knowing the whole thing the best. But do not forget psychiatrists, who think I may be the last one understanding me based on their theory. They may be true, as the old Chinese proverb goes, “You cannot see the whole picture of a mountain when inside of it.” What they see does help me to build a better understanding of what the stone really is.

However, the fact that they are ousiders implies that they will likely overlook or even be unable to see the inside, especially the dark spots the mountain trying to hide. In this scenario, the dark spots are my evil side.

I aint never a good child, not at least as good as those grownups think. I sneaked to get candies, cartoons and toys that ought to be away. I read non-text-books, played games, made sketches and stared in the blank when study locked and they were off my sight. I lied about, prettified and defend my doings at school while no one but my parents care about it. I live on vain glory and feed on contempt. That’s the true me, that’s the despicable me.

As I said before, one would live “happier” and more free with a low moral level. Embarrassment is the biggest enemy for me. Because of it and lack of courage, I did not turn to Prof. P for his help; because of it I concealed what I really bears in mind; because of it I overestimate or underestimate myself from time to time. There are just countless examples proving it.

He said to me, “stay cool.” But really, what am I supposed to react to this? I’m not burning on fire. Maybe he meant the other way around, the coolness that young people should possess. I probably buy it before he used Donald Trump’s story as an example of much failure leads to success instead. I cannot help wondering, whether he really approves Trump’s achievements. But then another voice howls in my head, “What are you doing? Censor his political preferences? That’s exactly what a Sinostaner would do to people around them!”